Getting in touch (revised)
01/09/2003

"I think J is not good for you."

I think he is very good for me as a friend, but probably not the best boyfriend for me, true. The truth is, I mostly get the goodness as a friend part from him. But I will not deny J is not my ideal partner; he is just someone who makes me happy for now (it is unfortunate for my readers and for the impresssion I create that I only write when I am not happy). I am not looking for someone to commit to forever right now. Nor am I with J because I can't do better; I actually love him.

BUT. Point taken. Yes, I know. You know how people make a big deal about the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? I am going to be one of those people now: I am not at a place right now where I can be in love. It goes beyond not having the time to; I am not personally prepared to be in a relationship in which I am in love. I need to work on myself more before I can be in love well. Sounds funny, I know. But I am not yet good at being in love while simultaneously being good to myself. In that context, J makes me happy. In a way, I think the difficulties with him are making me focus on myself more, learn to trust myself and my wants before someone else's wishes and routines. Because he is so focused on his school and maintaining himself sane now, in a weird way, J is good for me in ways neither of us intend him to be. Is that reason enough to be with someone? If we lived in the same city, and the term "boyfriend" did not sit as loose on him, NO. But with the distance, I will take it for what it is, and use it to really get in touch with myself more.