Wait and see
01/05/2003

Came back from seeing J on the east coast, and things did not go so well. It was a mistake to go; it was too soon after his visit here during Thanksgiving break. The whole time, but mostly at the end, it was clear he needed me to leave so he could be solitary again. That is who he is.

We had a big talk on the phone last night, and it did not necessarily make me feel better. I don't think he wants to be in a relationship right now, and yet he is "with me" even though we are apart. I ask myself what I want. I want him, I don't want to give him up, but I wonder what there is really to give up. If we lived in the same city, it would have been easier to break up, knowing I would keep seeing him, I would still have his company and all that he has to offer. I don't want to give him up.

I am angry at myself this morning for not defending my desire to see him during breaks. He pointed out that I asked him about March break; he said I was forward, and he didn't want to commit to anything - that is just not where he is now. Fine, I said. My asking about March is not an obligation, but an opening, an option. I did not say, of course I want to see you when I can; otherwise, what's the point? We could, as Angie said, be pen pals otherwise.

I am unhappy, and I don't know what would make me happier now.

I will wait and see how it goes. What his next move is. I am losing trust though.

Wait and see.